What are you writing, Sieg?
Just keeping track of anything that happens in the...
[Speaking German]
Ah.
[Continues writing]
[Accordion music playing]
MAN: Ha.
CHUCK: That's him.
Too many people.
[Laughing]
[Music stops]
[Keeler whistles faintly]
Chuck. Chuck.
- All right. - Take the camera.
What is this?
Aah!
What the...
[Muffled yells]
- Take a picture. - Take a what?
Take a picture.
Picture. Come on.
Take a picture.
Danke schon.
He would disappear for a week or so at a time...
and his secretary would just say he's out of town.
We didn't know where he went, so...
I don't know whether it's true or not.
I... I couldn't say.
BARRIS: The only reason the KGB didn't kill me...
was they needed me...
to trade for one of their Russian agents.
I promised myself if I got out of this...
I'd live my life differently.
I'd throw myself into work, into life.
Penny. I needed to see Penny again.
And tell Byrd I'm out... for good.
If I could just make it past this one last man...
this one... last...
I don't know what was worse...
that I was duped by that fat fucking bachelor...
on that it took seven of us to replace him.
[Goat bleating]
You're still in one piece?
CHUCK: Where the fuck you been?
Did you have a nice flight?
Fuck you. Where you been? I got one contact, Jim...
and it's you, and if you disappear, I got no one.
You understand?
[Loud music]
# I tip my lat to the new constitution #
# Take a bow for a new revolution #
# Smile and grin at the change all around me #
# Pick up my guitar and play #
# Just like yesterday #
# Then I get on my knees and pray #
# We don't get fooled again #
# No. No #
# If I had a hammer #
# I'd a-hammer in the morning #
# I'd a-hammer in the evening #
- She's good, huh? - She's very good. Very good.
That's great.
That's fine. Thank you so much.
But I can sing the whole song.
That was wonderful. Great.
That was enough. That was fine.
All right. Bring in the next thing.
Christ, there's gotta be somebody in America...
with some talent. Hi!
FEMALE EXECUTIVE: Now, I saw her in a little club.
You're gonna love her.
[Playing guitar]
[Singing atonally] # If I had a hammer #
# I'd hammer in the morning #
# I'd hammer in the evening #
# All over this land #
# I'd hammer out danger #
# I'd hammer out a warning #
# I'd hammer out love between #
# My brothers and my sisters #
# All over this land #
[Gunshot]
[Bell tolls]
# All over this land #
[Gong clangs]
# If I were a... #
- Oh, no, thank you. - That's great. Fantastic!
That was great. We'll be in touch.
Thank you. Thank you.
We've been going about this all wrong.
Rather than killing ourselves trying to find good acts...
we just put bad ones and kill them!
Chuck, honestly, this... and I know you like them...
this is torture.
No, no, no. We kill 'em before they're through.
As soon as it gets unbearable...
we kill 'em... dead!
["The Gong Show" theme plays]
Ladies and gentlemen, this act...
Ah. Oh, this is so good! I love this, man.
This next act answers the age-old question!
If you wear a cellophane... if you...
Whish: OK.
[Audience laughs]
If you wear... ha ha... a cellophane suit...
can people clearly see you're nuts?
I don't know. A little humor, folks.
All the way from Pacoima...
Mick Donnelly!
[Cheers and applause]
[Music plays]
[Off-key] # Raindrops keep falling on my head #
# Just like the guy #
# Whose feet are too big for his bed #
# Nothin' seems to fit those #
# Raindrops are fallin' on my head #
# They keep fallin' #
# So I just did me some talkin' to the sun #
# And I said I didn't like #
# The way he got things done #
# Sleepin' on the job, those... #
BARRIS: Who could have known there were so many Amenicans...
just waiting for the opportunity to get on TV...
and make an ass out of themselves?
# Raindrops keep fallin' on my head #
# But that doesn't mean my eyes #
# Will soon be turnin' red #
[Audience booing]
# Cryin's not for me, 'cause #
# I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin' #
# Because I'm... #
[Gong]
We'll be back with more stuff...
right after this message.
You know what the sad part about it is...
Barris has a reputation...
for lowering the bar of television...
and the standards and all...
but he had a great feel for what people wanted...
and he couldn't take the criticism.
BARRIS: Things started to evolve pretty quickly.
The show was gaining momentum...
and I was becoming the one thing I didn't expect...
famous.
- You're Chuck Barris, right? - Yeah.
"The Gong Show." I love that show.
Thanks.
WOMAN: Hi.
Hi.
I thought that was you.
Yeah... it's me.
[Woman laughs]
Well, I'm glad to meet you. I've seen "The Gong Show."
Oh. Yeah, well...
I think you're the most insidious, despicable force...
in entertainment today.
How dare you subject the rest of the world...
to your loathsome views of humanity?
Yeah... I don't think it's that loathsome.
What is it, then?
To mock some poor lonely people...
who are just craving a little attention in their lives...
to destroy them?
I mean, they're still people.
They still deserve a little respect and compassion.
Who the hell are you...
and what the fuck have you ever done...
to elevate yourself among the pathetic masses?
Oh, that's right. You created "The Dating Game."
Wow.
That's right up there with the Sistine Chapel.
[Drink spills]
Ladies and gentlemen...
it wouldn't surprise me to see this next act...
[Upbeat music begins]
MAN: Whoo.
That means...
it's Gene Gene, the Dancing Machine...
and just in time!
[Gene's dancing music plays]
FEMALE CRITIC: He represents more...
than just the decline of quality television.
In my opinion. Chuck Barris will do more harm...
to our society than people seem to realize.
LORETTA: Line one's for you. Chuck.
- Who is it? - Some guy.
He says he's a friend of yours from Berlin.
Hello.
Very gutsy, my neighbor.
I guess you heard about Oliver.
Someone changed sides.
[Car door opens, street noises]
What was so urgent?
[Car door closes]
[Street noises]
KEELER: I was wondering, you wanna grab a bite?
I'm in town for a day.
BARRIS: Now, assassins don't fraternize.
That Keeler was calling me...
could mean it was my turn to get lit.
I would take him somewhere where I knew I would be safe.
How's show biz?
Well, it's hit and miss.
I got a new show called "Operation Entertainment"...
which I believe is really, really gonna kill.
It's sort of a Bob Hope visiting the troops thing...
but it's weekly.
Instead of Bob Hope, it's like Flip Wilson...
Chuck. Tch.
Why do you do what you do?
Hm?
I like to think that I bring joy and laughter...
to millions of people.
It's a very important thing, I think...
in these difficult times.
I'm not saying the show is as good as it can be yet...
but, uh...
KEELER: No. No.
Why do we do what we do?
Hm? [Laughs] Come on.
I got my feet wet in World War II.
Germany.
The pleasure of killing was exhilarating.
Later in life, I...
couldn't find a place to fill that void...
to get that same rush of energy.
So I started up my own business.
MAN: Gentlemen. are you ready to order?
I'll have a green salad, no dressing.
And for you, sir?
Can I get a steak? Rare.
Thank you.
Let me read you something.
"Whatsoever your hand finds to do...
"do it ghadly...
"because there is no work, love, knowhedge...
"or wisdom in the grave."
Who is that, Carlyle?
No, it's the Old Testament.
It's God.
It's amazing you should quote him.
He's my hero.
[Both laugh]
Killing my first man...
was like making love to my first woman.
I remember every little detail...
the smell of his lain...
ice on the window...
wallpaper.
It's like entering a different time zone.
You're becoming an outsiden...
isolating yourself.
You're condemned.
CHUCK: Condemned?
KEELER: You have become...
their sadness. And...
live in a different state of mind.
Ladies and gentlemen...
the lost of "The Gong Show"...
[Chuckles]
Chuck Barris.
It's good to see you, Sieg.
KEELER: Yeah. It'll be all right.
It'll be all right.
WOMAN: # Happy birthday #
KEELER: I think.
# To you #
# Happy birthday #
# Dean Chuckie #
# Happy birthday #
# To you #
Is that right?
Yeah. That's real good.
That's real good.
So what's wrong, Chuck? Are you OK?
Yeah, I'm OK.
A guy I know killed himself last night.
A guy I know killed himself.
- Who was he? - You don't know him.
He's a stagehand.
Why did he do it?
He didn't like his work anymore.
- Thanks. - Thanks.
Is being a stagehand really. Really bad?
Yeah, it's pretty bad.
Hello?
You were supposed to meet me at the Palm two hours ago.
- Oh, fuck, I forgot. - You forgot. Really?
- Keeler's dead. Did you know? - Yeah, I heard.
- What did you hear? - I heard he took himself out.
Is that right? Did Byrd tell you that?
He said he was depressed. I was gonna tell you, but... Hey!
Who is this?
I don't get stood up. Do you understand?
Fun: Excuse me.
[Both laugh]
So ghad... Penny. Patricia. How'd you find me?
Are you serious? This is what I do for a living.
What does she mean?
You're dead in my book, strawberry dick.
- Strawberry dick? - I'll see you around.
Nice to meet you, Penny. I've heard a lot about you.
Why don't you stay for a cocktail?
Penny...
And... and... you know, man...
I'm giving you one more chance. Get it?
[Sighs] Fuck.
[Audience applauds]
MAN: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
[Plays intro to "Fools Rush In"]
[Off-key] # Wise men say #
# Only fools #
# Rush in #
# But I can't help #
# Falling in love #
# With you #
# Take my land #
# Take my whole life #
# Too #
# For I can't help #
# Falling in love #
# With you #
# For I can't help #
# Falling in love #
# With #
# You #
[Weak applause]
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
LORETTA. OVER INTERCOM: Line one for you. Chuck.
Thanks.
Yeah?
JIM: Keeler didn't kill himself.
He was murdered. Watch your back.
[Hangs up]
You can come in now. Mr. Flexner.
Chuck:
[Chuck hangs up phone]
- Great to see ya. - What's up, Rod?
[Chuckles]
Well... Chuck, may I sit?
Hey, how's that redhead?
She's good, you know. Keeps...
Well, Chuck, the thing is, we have to talk.
What's up, Rod?
Well, the thing is...
some of your old shows aren't doing so well...
in the old ratings wan. Ha ha ha!
So... I've been put in the unfortunate position...
of laving to inform you...
that the network is canceling these shows.
Now, don't shoot me, Chuck.
I'm just the messenger.
Psshh.
Aargh. [Chuckles]
[Sighs]
This really is the hardest part of the job for me.
CHUCK: They killed my babies...
just like that.
I pushed them into the world...
through the birth canal of my imagination...
Iovinghy... tenderly.
Where's the humanity of these people? Huh?
- Fuck 'em. - Fuck 'em.
They're fucking bastards anyway.
Yeah. What am I gonna do now?
WOMAN: Oh, baby.
Oh, yeah. Feels so good.
[Woman moans softly]
Chuck?
PENNY: Chuck?
Fuck. Fuck.
Penny, fuck.
I came here to tell you I sold a painting.
That's great.
What's she doing here?
CHUCK: She's. Uh...
PENNY: This is our house.
It's one thing to go elsewhere for your pussy needs.
But this is our house.
It's my house, Pen.
It's our house.
I found it with you. I decorated it with you.
I spent six fucking months...
waiting for the fucking plumber to fucking come.
CHUCK: I'm sorry.
You're such an asshole.
[Starts engine]
No, I'm not saying that. That's not what I'm saying.
PENNY: Then what are you saying, Chuck?
[Sniffles]
[Crying] Do you want me around or not?
Do you even like me?
Of course I like you.
Penny...
- How much? - What?
I need to know how much you like me.
I don't know what that means.
How much? How can I rate a person in that way?
You could if you felt it.
If you felt it, it would be easy.
You would just...
[Exhales]
spread your arms as wide as they would go...
and say, "This much, Penny."
[Whispering] Everything...
Everything's complicated, Pen.
You know, nothing's black and white like that.
Do you want me around or not?
Because if you don't, it's OK. Just tell me.
Hey, hey...
I love you, Penny, in my way.
Maybe not in that crazy head-over-heels thing...
but what is that anyway?
Romantic love...
isn't that just an illusion?
You just said you loved me, right?
[Sniffles]
[Music fades in]
# Just like yesterday #
# And I'll get on my knees and pray #
# We don't... #
[Turns off music]
JIM: Hi, Chuck.
Hey, Jim, what do you want?
- How's work? - Great.
Any new game show ideas?
Dozens. Why are you here, Jim?
We need you to find the mole and take him out.
Yeah.
[Laughs]
Yeah... I'm done killing people.
I just want to entertain people.
I'm out.
No, you're not.
Hey, I got an idea.
If you want him so bad...
why don't you do it?
Why don't you kill the mole?
Any problem with killing, Jim?
I just don't fit the profile.
What fucking profile? There is no fucking profile.
OK. There's no profile.
- There's no profile. - OK.
You had a twin sister, stillborn...
strangled by your umbilical cord.
Your first hit.
Your mother always wanted a daughter.
She blamed you for your sister's death...
so until your sister Phoebe was born...
she raised you as a girl.
What else?
Your father, the dentist.
Not really your father.
Your real father was a man named Edmond James Windsor.
Among other things, he was a serial killen...
a fact your mother didn't know...
when she had an affair with him in 1928.
- That's ridiculous. - Is it?
That's insane.
Windsor died in the electric chain in 1939.
I'm trying to think of what more I can tell you...
but you have me at a bit of a disadvantage, Chuck.
I don't have your files in front of me.
Come on, Jim.
I'm out.
As long as the mole's alive, you're a dead man.
How do I know it's not you?
You're a fairly bright guy.
You'll figure it out.
[Ominous chords]
[No audio]
[Ominous music continues]
[Bagpipe music fades in]
- Hey, Chuck. I... - Take it off.
Who are you? What's your name?
[Gong]
[Audience applauds]
[Incidental game show music]
Yeah... that's the way it goes on TV.
CHUCK: Get off the stage. Go back to Scotland.
Get yourself a Guinness and some Lucky Charms.
All right. Ladies and gentlemen...
the prince of puns...
the wizard of whoopee!
[Applause]
The Unknown Comic!
Hey, Chuckie, baby!
Hey, Chuckie, baby, I got a joke for you.
- A joke. - What?
What's the difference between toilet paper...
and a shower curtain?
- I don't know. What? - Here's the guy!
- Get off the stage. - No, it's my turn, Chuckie.
- Get off the stage. - You're fucking crazy, man.
Get the fuck out of here.
Ladies and gentlemen...
our next act... Ha ha!
First came...
To us... all the way...
Um... ha ha...
Lord. Crazy on coast-to-coast.
Come on.
You like the way Mommy looks?
Yes.
I bet you'd like to be a mommy some day, wouldn't you?
Come here, You.
[Renda crying out]
CHUCK: Sorry about your teeth.
MOTHER: #... birthday to you #
# Happy birthday to you #
# Happy birthday, dear Chuckie #
# Happy birthday to... #
Come on. Take me away now.
Take me away.
What are you waitin' for?
Come on. Come on.
Come on.
I see you. I know who you are.
What are you looking at?
[Music starts]
SINGERS: # If I had a hammer #
# I'd a-hammer in the morning' #
# I'd a-hammer in the evenin' #
# All over this land #
# I'd a-hammer out danger #
# I'd a-hammer out a warning' #
# I'd a-hammer out love #
# Between my brothers and my sisters #
# All over #
# This land #
# Ooh ooh ooh #
# If I had a bell #
# I'd a-ring it in the mornin' #
# I'd a-ring it in the evenin' #
# All over this land #
# I'd ring out danger #
# I'd ring out a warning #
# I'd ring out #
# Love between my brothers and my sisters #
# All over #
# This land #
# Ooh #
# If I had a song #
# I'd sing it in the morning #
# I'd sing it in the evenin' #
# All over this land #
# I'd sing out danger #
# I'd sing out a warning #
# I'd sing out love #
# Between my brothers and my sisters #
# All over #
# This land #
BARRIS: Dean Penny...
this is just a note to say that I'm sorry...
for all of it.
You were the best pant of my life...
and I couldn't see it.
I'm not asking for another clance...
just for your forgiveness.
Love. Chuck.
[Knock on door]
Well...
Look who comes out of hiding.
CHUCK: I started thinking, Trish, you're the only woman...
in the world who really... who really knows me.
I know I screwed you over in the past...
and I'm sorry. I...
[Piano concerto plays]
I just want you to know that...
I hate myself for how...
Goddamn, I hate myself for how I lived, Trish.
PATRICIA: Nietzsche says whoever despises oneself...
still respects oneself as one who despises.
CHUCK: Shit, I never thought of that.
I can't even despise myself with any insight.
The insane asylums are filled with people...
who think they're Jesus or Satan.
Very few have delusions of being...
a guy down the block who works for an insurance company.
All right.
What is this stuff?
I wanted to be a writer once.
I wanted to write something...
that someday some lesser person would quote...
but I never did.
I'm the lesser person, Trish.
I never say anything meaningful...
that wasn't said by somebody else first.
I am disposable.
I disposed of people, and I'm disposable.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately, Chuck.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm.
I've missed you.
You could have fooled me.
Well, I've mellowed.
[Chuckles]
Boston is a beautiful city.
We could start over here, normal life together.
Sell insurance.
[Laughs]
Yeah. That sounds good. That sounds right.
Look at that.
I could learn to love that skyline.
Did you see I got your picture framed?
Oh, yeah? Where?
- Look. - Oh, hot dog!
To life.
You devil. Isn't that sweet?
Oh...
Hey, what about splitting our time in New York?
Fuck. I just bit...
It's just a... [Gags]
[Gagging]
[Gasping, grunting]
PATRICIA: No, that's too quick.
You're supposed to get to the bathroom and throw up first.
God, Chuck, you should have seen Oliver's face.
It was just... well... if I do say so myself.
I got a nice snapshot of it, actually.
Mm...
You know, Keeler was easy.
Traveled halfway around the world for a night with me.
Hm...
[Chuck panting]
OK... Let's see...
[Grunts] Chuck, you've put on weight.
Come on.
I nearly blew it with Byrd.
Never farm out a job that you should do yourself.
Do you want a laugh? He thought you were the mole.
He was going to kill you. What an idiot.
"I'm not at all the person you and I took me for."
Hm. Sounds like an epitaph.
Your handwriting, too.
You see, Chuck, I save everything.
All of your lovely notes. Mm.
[Labored breathing]
You know what?
I like Carlyle best, too.
I really do. Yeah.
Say hi to the boys when you see 'em.
Ooh...
Oh...
To life. [Clink]
[Piano concerto continues]
[No audio]
BARRIS: My name is Charles Hinsch Barris.
I have written pop songs.
I have been a television producer.
I am responsible for polluting the air waves...
with mind-numbing, puerile entertainment.
In addition. I have murdered 33 human beings.
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE: We have come here today...
to join Penny Pacino and Chuck Barris...
in holy matrimony.
You all know Chuck Barris...
creator of "The Dating Game." "The Newlywed Game"...
"The Family Game"...
"The Game Game," "Dream Girl of 1968"...
"Operation Entertainment"...
"How's Your Mother-in-law," and many others.
Chuck Barris, who most recently brought us such hits...
as "The Rah-Rah Show"...
"The $1.98 Beauty Show"...
"The Gong Show."
Oh, Chuck Barris...
who I'm sure will be back soon...
with even more shows that will stimulate and educate...
and keep us on the edge of our seats.
[Bell tolls]
[Cheering]
MAN: Whoo.
Congratulations!
Hey...
Oh, thanks, thanks.
Thanks.
[Bell tolls]
[Tolling grows louder]
[No audio]
Danny, drive now!
[Wheels screech]
PENNY: Bye.
Penny, there's something I gotta confess...
something I gotta tell ya.
Listen, Penny. You've known me for a long time...
As the host of "The Dating Game"...
"The Gong Show," "Rah-Rah Show"...
Yeah, yeah, listen, listen, listen...
I work for the CIA. You understand?
And I kill people.
I killed... I killed a lot of people.
You understand?
I killed a lot of people.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Both laughing]
BARRIS: I came up with a new game show idea recently.
It's called "The Old Game."
You got three old guys with loaded guns on stage...
they look back at their lives...
see who they were, what they accomplished...
low close they came to realizing their dreams.
The winner...
is the one who doesn't blow his brains out.
He gets a refrigerator.
[Music intro]
# There's no business like show business #
# Like no business I know #
# Everything about it is appealing #
# Everything the traffic will allow #
# Nowhere can you get that happy feeling #
# When you are stealing that extra bow #
# There's no people like show people #
# They smile when they are low #
# Even with a turkey that you know will fold #
# You may be stranded out in the cold #
# Still, You wouldn't change it for a sack of gold #
# Let's go on with the show #
[Instrumentals]
# The costumes. The scenery, the makeup. The props #
# The audience that lifts you when you're down #
# The headache. The heartaches, the backaches. The flops #
# The sheriff who escorts you out of town #
# The opening when your heart beats like a drum #
[Drumbeat]
# The closing when the customers won't come #
# There's no business like show business #
# Like no business I know #
# Traveling through the country can be thrilling #
# Standing out in front on opening nights #
# Smiling as you watch the theater filling #
# And there's your billing #
# Out there in lights #
# There's no people like show people #
# They smile when they are low #
# Yesterday. They told you you would not go far #
# That night you open, and there you are #
# Next day. On your dressing room. They've hung a star #
# Let's go on with the show #
# Let's go #
# On with the show #
[Somber piano music plays]
[Music ends]